Maneuvering The Journey

Today I start my life anew
Learning from the past
Gathering knowledge
From all I have been through

Release myself from my chains
No longer bound in the depths
Despair will no longer control me
I can see clearly what I have to gain

My feet are planted on the ground
The winds of time may blow strong
I will stand strong with no fear
I know people who care will be around

Taken deep breaths I walk proud again
Secure in the power of my own heart
A journey I must take to further myself
Truth and honesty my solid friends

I know I may stumble and may often fall
I will not quit and will not cry
Hardships will be there but i will succeed
The lesson is in the journey after all

Each small step i take now
I will let my heart guide me
My soul will grow strong
I can maneuver the obstacles
I have learned how

The Truth Version 2

 

 

 

I cannot run from this anymore

Openly I lay my cards out

Who am I?

I do not know

I struggle daily to learn about

What I enjoy?

Truthfully I do not know

My interests fade in and out

What I long for?

I yearn to find my way

Through this rocky water

No more high prices to have to pay

What I know?

This struggle never seems to end

My world is chaotic and unstable

I can never find the words I need to say

Am I worth knowing?

My answer is unclear

I have let people down frequently

The truth of the matter?

I am a broke vase barely pieced together

I am struggling to stay out of the quick sand

Can I handle this journey I am on?

Uncertain I am of my fate

I don’t want to drag those down with me who offer a hand

Only way I know how to cope?

I shut myself off from outside world – always have

Easier to turn off than deal as the pain and hatred

I have for myself is to too raw and too real

How I hide behind the pain?

Working lots and refusing to sit still

Tasks and addictions become my escape

I imagine myself in a better place

Far above the clouds I would soar

Why I end this poem now?

Out of words I have become!!

 

 

 

 

The Truth

Who am I?

I do not know

I struggle daily to learn about

What I enjoy?

Truthfully I do not know

My interests fade in and out

What I long for?

I yearn to find my way

Through this rocky water

No more high prices to have to pay

What I know?

This struggle never seems to end

My world is chaotic and unstable

I can never find the words I need to say

Am I worth knowing?

My answer is unclear

I have let people down frequently

The truth of the matter?

I am a broke vase barely pieced together

I am struggling to stay out of the quick sand

Can I handle this journey I am on?

Uncertain I am of my fate

I don’t want to drag those down with me who offer a hand

Only way I know how to cope?

I shut myself off from outside world – always have

Easier to turn off than deal as the pain and hatred

I have for myself is to too raw and too real

How I hide behind the pain?

Working lots and refusing to sit still

Tasks and addictions become my escape

I imagine myself in a better place

Far above the clouds I would soar

Why I end this poem now?

Out of words I have become

I cannot deal openly with this anymore!!!

 

 

The Woman I Am Now Vs. Who I Was Before

 Always questioning how I feel

Acting like my answers are not true

Pretending I need them even though not real

My truth is not good enough it seems to be

Why ask I question if you won’t believe?

You cannot judge you don’t know the real me!

Finally found my way back to my true normal self

If you don’t like the person I am now

I can distance myself without regret I know how

Before you utter “you seem off” so casually

Take a moment to understand that I am who I am suppose to be

Gone is the sad girl struggling to stay afloat

Pretending to be happy was difficulty, you see

I have learned to embrace the woman I have become

Letting go of the negativity and aspects that brought me down

Losing all the pain that drained me of enjoyment and fun

Please take the time to understand what I need you to hear

Accept who I am and listen to my truth I speak

Without this our friendship is toxic to both of us

I am strong enough to move on my own

I will walk away to save myself – I will not fear

 

 

 

 

Attack on My Mind

Another battle is raging
Full force charging
Never know when it will happen
Can’t predict this storm
Xray vision won’t help at all
Inside my world there is a haze
Endless complicated mazes
Ticking time bomb inside my head
Yearning for the attack to end

My Addictions

They call to me secretly
Hold me in their spell
Every time I try to ignore
They grab a hold of me

Urges too strong to fight off
My weakness gives in
I hide my actions with shame
Even though I know lying is a sin

They wouldn’t understand why
I would be labelled for sure
Treated like I was broken
Cast aside and forgotten
Oh how this roller coaster makes me cry

It is not like I don’t try to keep the demons at bay
But I am not always strong enough to win the battle
My life itself is like living among land-mines
I never know what will happen emotionally day by day

To actually voice the words “I have an addiction”
Make me want to run and hide
The stigma of this disease leaves a cost I can’t afford to pay
My need for secrecy is based on my pride

Pleas from a Psych Ward

Secluded in this cold and lonely room

My happiness erased – all that is left is gloom

Nothing I can do except pace the floor

I don’t want to be sick and feel this way anymore

So confused and lost – nothing around me seems real

How am I suppose to control how or what I feel?

Doctors in and out poking and prodding me

Why can’t they just let me be?

Everyone I see has a look of despair in their eyes

Feeling hopeless is something I despise!

Life is supposed to be an adventure full of joy

It seems like a crazy game and I am just a toy!

Screaming voices inside me full of rage, anguish and hate

How can this be my life?

Should I resign to fate?

I am not sure of what happened – what did I do?

How I wish my pain and suffering would be through!!

Battered Soul

When I think I am strong enough to carry on
Something happens to prove me horribly wrong
Each time I try, defeat grabs a hold
Always slipping, I can not get in control
Any step I take, I stumble aimless around
Ending up face first bleeding on the ground
Reaching out for something to grasp onto
My hands are too slippery, the life lines fall through
Yearning for peace and inner strength now
Wanting for the craziness to end somehow
Sanity abandoned me so long ago
Normalcy is not a feeling I know
Outwardly you may see a smile
But inside I am drowning all the while
Unless you know me you’ll never see
The emotional wounds that follow me
Life has been a roller coaster so out of control
Leaving me nothing but I cold, worn and battered soul

Silent Stalker

 

Secretly stalked me year after year

Lurking amongst the darkness and shadows

Haunted my dreams night after night

Robbed my soul of the precious gift of light

Stole my dreams and torn apart all my hope

Ripped my heart out and left it to die

Watched me suffer as I begged and cried

Struck me out of the blue that cold, dark day

I could not fight you off – your message was clear

Although you were silent and did not have anything to say

Turned my world inside out and upside down

Shattered pieces of who I was tossed on the ground

Alone, I struggled to find the strength to carry on

Emptiness was all I had left – everything else was gone

Every step I took forward seemed pointless and long

Day after day, I cried and I prayed

“Please God; help me end this pain today”

Did not think I could make it through each day

But here I am stand fighting this battle my own way

I may not always beat you, but I know I can survive

Day by day, I watch for your presence to be known

I will not let you sneak up again – I will not be thrown

A rollercoaster is what my life has become today

But I am prepared for the highs and lows

I will survive this crazy, neurotic ride – someway

My eyes are open now – I know the chaos you create

I will not sink to your level – I chose not to hate

This journey through hell has a lesson to be learned

Amongst the rubble there are treasures hidden within

I will speak out and have my voice be heard loud and clear

Help others find their way out and no there is nothing to fear

I will stand up and let my secret out – no longer a whisper, it is now a shout

No longer afraid of the stigma – I am here to finally speak the truth

Whether you hear my true message is completely up to you

My name is Melonie and I need to finally say

“I struggle with mental illness – I have always been this way”

For all my peers who fight this fight, know you are never alone