Attack on My Mind

Another battle is raging
Full force charging
Never know when it will happen
Can’t predict this storm
Xray vision won’t help at all
Inside my world there is a haze
Endless complicated mazes
Ticking time bomb inside my head
Yearning for the attack to end

My Addictions

They call to me secretly
Hold me in their spell
Every time I try to ignore
They grab a hold of me

Urges too strong to fight off
My weakness gives in
I hide my actions with shame
Even though I know lying is a sin

They wouldn’t understand why
I would be labelled for sure
Treated like I was broken
Cast aside and forgotten
Oh how this roller coaster makes me cry

It is not like I don’t try to keep the demons at bay
But I am not always strong enough to win the battle
My life itself is like living among land-mines
I never know what will happen emotionally day by day

To actually voice the words “I have an addiction”
Make me want to run and hide
The stigma of this disease leaves a cost I can’t afford to pay
My need for secrecy is based on my pride

sadness

Darkness overwelms

fear takes ahold

emotions unfold

 

Pleas from a Psych Ward

Secluded in this cold and lonely room

My happiness erased – all that is left is gloom

Nothing I can do except pace the floor

I don’t want to be sick and feel this way anymore

So confused and lost – nothing around me seems real

How am I suppose to control how or what I feel?

Doctors in and out poking and prodding me

Why can’t they just let me be?

Everyone I see has a look of despair in their eyes

Feeling hopeless is something I despise!

Life is supposed to be an adventure full of joy

It seems like a crazy game and I am just a toy!

Screaming voices inside me full of rage, anguish and hate

How can this be my life?

Should I resign to fate?

I am not sure of what happened – what did I do?

How I wish my pain and suffering would be through!!

Battered Soul

When I think I am strong enough to carry on
Something happens to prove me horribly wrong
Each time I try, defeat grabs a hold
Always slipping, I can not get in control
Any step I take, I stumble aimless around
Ending up face first bleeding on the ground
Reaching out for something to grasp onto
My hands are too slippery, the life lines fall through
Yearning for peace and inner strength now
Wanting for the craziness to end somehow
Sanity abandoned me so long ago
Normalcy is not a feeling I know
Outwardly you may see a smile
But inside I am drowning all the while
Unless you know me you’ll never see
The emotional wounds that follow me
Life has been a roller coaster so out of control
Leaving me nothing but I cold, worn and battered soul

THE ANSWER

Once bound by chains so heavy and tight
Struggling to move and to breathe day and night
So tired, weak and weary from the dreadful fight
Lonely and hollow, felt so alone
My world seemed so dark, empty and cold
No place I had been ever felt like home
Past wounds of all kinds wounded my soul
So terrified of feeling, afraid to trust again
Unable to relinquish the need for control
Tired of this rollercoaster that became my life
Pleading to get off the craziness, wishing it would stop for once
Needing an end to all this pain, darkness and strife
One day I got on my knees and cried for help
At the end of my rope, I made a plea
“Whoever is listening, please help me”
Out of the silence, I heard a voice call to me
“Stand up, my dear you’ll be alright.”
Wiping my tears I looked around to see
No one was in sight – how can this be?
A feeling of comfort swept over me
From that day on, I vowed to start anew
Knowing inside I had what it takes to make it through.

Silent Stalker

 

Secretly stalked me year after year

Lurking amongst the darkness and shadows

Haunted my dreams night after night

Robbed my soul of the precious gift of light

Stole my dreams and torn apart all my hope

Ripped my heart out and left it to die

Watched me suffer as I begged and cried

Struck me out of the blue that cold, dark day

I could not fight you off – your message was clear

Although you were silent and did not have anything to say

Turned my world inside out and upside down

Shattered pieces of who I was tossed on the ground

Alone, I struggled to find the strength to carry on

Emptiness was all I had left – everything else was gone

Every step I took forward seemed pointless and long

Day after day, I cried and I prayed

“Please God; help me end this pain today”

Did not think I could make it through each day

But here I am stand fighting this battle my own way

I may not always beat you, but I know I can survive

Day by day, I watch for your presence to be known

I will not let you sneak up again – I will not be thrown

A rollercoaster is what my life has become today

But I am prepared for the highs and lows

I will survive this crazy, neurotic ride – someway

My eyes are open now – I know the chaos you create

I will not sink to your level – I chose not to hate

This journey through hell has a lesson to be learned

Amongst the rubble there are treasures hidden within

I will speak out and have my voice be heard loud and clear

Help others find their way out and no there is nothing to fear

I will stand up and let my secret out – no longer a whisper, it is now a shout

No longer afraid of the stigma – I am here to finally speak the truth

Whether you hear my true message is completely up to you

My name is Melonie and I need to finally say

“I struggle with mental illness – I have always been this way”

For all my peers who fight this fight, know you are never alone